5 Tips to talk about sex with your partner
- Belinda Claveria
- Feb 16
- 5 min read
Did you know that couples and dating individuals that communicate about sex, have far greater sexual satisfaction?* In my Geelong Sex Therapy clinic and online coaching and counselling space, I work with people of all ages to safely have not only a healthy open and non- judgmental conversation about their intimate lives, but learn skills to keep them connected and aligned.
Sex is literally where we all came from! So why is that sex is so shamed and feared? Well there are many many reasons, one is very ancient and embedded in our psyche. The other is, its where we get naked, literally and figuratively in front of others and share a space to connect.
How is that this fundamental aspect of ourselves, is so difficult to talk about for most couples? And yet, intimacy and sex is a space where we get to explore our connection to each other, and ourselves, a place to connect to aspects of our power, vulnerabilities and divinity and a place to experience pleasure, joy, stress release and so much more.
So why would you engage in Sex therapy or have an open conversation with your partner about sex?
Firstly it releases that awful feeling of being in a deadlock with your partner, and shifts the tension and silence that comes from avoiding the subject and not having sex. Many couples face growing anxiety, resentment and confusion as the avoidance of intimacy clearly becomes the elephant in the room, which can make other aspects of the relationship even more challenging and seemingly more and more difficult to untangle and face. This is why having relationship and sex therapy is so critical, even in healthy relationships.
Conversations are best started early in your relationship to help develop transparency and connection between you both. However, regular check-ins about your relationship and sex is a healthy way to keep your love and connection on track.
The main reason to start a conversation is it helps you gain knowledge that can inform you about how the other person is feeling about your intimate lives, what they like, don't like, fears or challenges they are experiencing and what they may be needing or wanting that isn't currently happening. Ultimately how could things be better!
Sex is quite a taboo subject for people and certainly an awkward conversation for most. And it is quite normal that you or your partner may feel reluctant and awkward about having the conversation discussed.
But if you approach the conversation with these skills to have an open and positive conversation, you'll find it far easier than anticipated.
Here are 5 tips to help you have a better conversation about sex.
Timing:
Timing is crucial. You want your partner to be open and available to discuss this, late at night and in bed is not the best time to have the conversation. As a Sex and Relationship therapist and Coach, I see the benefits of "aftercare" conversations that occur after sex, to reflect, learn and connect. However, for couples that are struggling with intimacy, it is not recommended to have this conversation in bed.
Ensure you are both free, without distractions like children, work or other people interrupting you. Consider, giving your partner notice, such as saying "I'd like to have an important conversation with you about us, when would be a good time this week to lock that in?" Give yourself plenty of time, so you can heal and repair anything that may come up as it is a sensitive topic.
No blame: Be careful not to point responsibility at your partner, even if you feel there are direct reasons on their behalf. Starting with words that state how you are feeling, such as, I've noticed we've been having less sex, which I feel sad and worried about..." Listen and be open to hearing their reasons. Breathe and ground yourself as you hear their responses. And be willing to take on some responsibility to the issues that you may be facing.
Stay curious:
Curiosity is the biggest gift to all aspects of your life, and relating.
What sounds like an area or thing that they've liked, how can you bring more of that into the relationship. Sex is not separate from other qualities that help support a good friendship and love life, so it is likely your partner may need other loving qualities to open to having more sex.
- Ask questions, that encourage your partner to open and think about the topic you have raised.
- Find out what feels good for them, what doesn't?
- Ask, how do you feel after we have sex?
- What are their fantasies or kinks that they feel afraid to ask for, or want to share?Remembering that we don't shame anyones fantasies, even if they may sound intimidating, go back to being curious about that, what turns them on about it. Sometimes fantasies are just that, something to get one turned on about but not necessarily carry out.
- Frequency: how often would they like to be having sex? Are they happy with the frequency currently happening?
No Shame:
As was mentioned above, it is absolutely crucial not to shame your partner about how they are handling sex or what they like or want. This includes shaming someone's likes, shaming someone's body and size, shaming someone's genitals, shaming someone's challenges with arousal or orgasm. Shame is not welcome anywhere in the world and especially in the bedroom.
Keep it light:
It's hard enough having these conversations so keep the tone light, warm and loving. And open with something that you may remember that you liked, or how you first met. This is often good for couples that have been estranged for sometime.
Sex and intimacy is a crucial part of our lives and our identity and without it, our relationships can start to feel like room mates that lack the connection, playfulness and intimacy that supports our lives to flow and feel meaningful. Don't let conversations about sex slip by into the shadows. Get the help you need with a professional as it will allow for a safe space to share and explore many more aspects of intimacy, communication and more.
Belinda Claveria is a Sex, Love and Relationship Therapist, a Somatic Sexologist and Kinesiologist based in Geelong, near Melbourne that specialises in somatic based learning, counselling and coaching infused with talk therapy and tantra. Her sessions help individuals and couples deepen their relationship to the messages of their body and heart, learn to embody their confidence, truth and sexuality and experience longer lasting change.
Relationship and Sex Therapy encompasses all aspects of relationships, self love, trust, communication, needs, pleasure, self expression and authenticity. I run online and in-person counselling and coaching sessions in Geelong, offering Couples Counselling and individual Sex therapy that helps people have more fulfilling relationships, meaningful and loving connection and juicy orgasmic pleasure at any age.
Comments