I cant orgasm during sex- What to say to your partner

The pressure to orgasm is awful. I want to be clear, even as a Sex Therapist and Sexologist, I don't love hearing the words "I want make you come".

I might be having the most wonderful time, and those words, that pressure has the potential to shift my orgasm and at worst; my pleasure, into a black hole, that won't return.

Some people have never orgasmed with a partner, and only orgasm by themselves. This is normal.

Some people have never experienced an orgasm at all. This doesn't mean it can't happen.

But what is guaranteed to reduce the possibility of being able to cum, is pressure.

As lovely as it is that your lover would like to make you orgasm, the question is, who is that request for? Is it to serve their sense of being a good lover and feeling like they've done a good job? or Is it because they want you to have an incredible experience?

I personally don't like being a performing pony, anytime, especially in the vulnerable position of being naked with a new connection. Sex is already a pretty edgy, practice for some people. So pressure only heightens the awkward and heightens the fear of being enough.

What stops you from orgasming, is most likely your mind hijacking your pleasure.

To help you feel relaxed and safe with a partner, you can establish more safety by saying things that can realign the focus back onto pleasure or what it is that you want.

Such as;

"Oh that sounds hot, but honestly I struggle to orgasm most of the time, so I want to focus just on my pleasure."

"I find that orgasm is. a challenge for me, but I still love sex and the feeling of your hands all over your body."

"I find that the more I get to know a person, I am more likely to orgasm, and its possible it wont happen now and thats ok."

"I don't want any pressure to orgasm, I love that you want to pleasure me, can I tell you what I like?"

If these sentences feel very difficult for you and you can't imagine being confident to put your needs forward, then I can help you, tap into your pleasure, express your needs and feel confident in bed. And l also help people access their orgamic potential through Sex Therapy, Somatic Sexology and Sexological bodywork.

I am a couples counsellor and intimacy coach based in Geelong and seeing people online.