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If only you'd say something: Becoming a better lover

I had a great question in clinic recently,

Should I be checking in with my partner, and asking if they are enjoying what I'm giving them?

Before answering, lets presume we won't.

We instead

guess what our partner likes.... and we have a bit of a repertoire from all the other partners in the past we have had.

And they seemed to LOVE it! (are you sure about that??)

So we don't ask,

we presume they do like the touch, because they don't say anything...

And you've always done it this way.

Ok, the quick answer is yes.

(And also not always is that necessary,

as asking too often can break flow, so stroking a body in the time after sex and saying hmmm I loved touching you, I'd like to know if I could have changed any of the touch... pressure.... etc...)

Firstly, hate to break it to you but women DO fake orgasms.


Men will tolerate, as getting some sex is better than no sex.

Many women feel great shame that they can't orgasm.

Many men feel like they have to give women an orgasm, or the sex isn't "good".

Many MANY people, struggle to communicate that they need something adjusted to make the touch/ sex/ massage


In coaching sessions we practice

  • learning to make a request & Changes

  • learning to watch for unspoken cues of pleasure & how to voice them.

  • learning how to find what feels good and staying with that

  • Listening to your nervous system, feeling into your no & embodied yes.

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It's important to remember when you are with your partner/ lover,

that our bodies change, our moods change, or energy levels fluctuate depending on the stress in our lives.

What we liked last week may be different today.

A light touch may drive this person crazy and increase anxiety- so more pressure may feel good.

That uncertainty and variety is a KEY human need, so asking can help you change your sexual script.

So sometimes, a big fabulous drawn out night suits both people and another night, one person may be content with a no orgasm and letting their partner have that experience.

ORGASMS do not equate to great sex.

But orgasms can come when we are able to ride the pleasure wave and let go.

Asking - "how can I make this EVEN better ?" is a great question.

Want to know more?


Are you needing support to actually connect to what you like and feel pleasure?

I coach all folks, different genders and sexualities and relationship configurations.

On line and in person.

Love Belle x

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