Avoiding the sex train, why couples lose intimacy and how to reconnect.
Avoiding getting on the sex train... |
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Recently, I had a common theme within one week of seeing clients, here it is:
Couples that were once loved up, connected and enjoying a regular sex life, now quietly struggling and changed into those that rarely have intimacy.
One partner is now highly anxious about having sex at all. Who hides this through avoidance and is feeling the pressure to start anything. Where as the other partner is craving them to initiate something, anything that looks and feels remotely like intimacy... something that feels like they ARE ACTUALLY wanted, loved and connected.
Connected. Beyond, sitting in separate sofa's watching a film, while the other is on their phone.
Connected. Far more than, sharing what happened at work while one is cooking and the other is multi- tasking like a ninja with a knife set.
Connected...like really connected More than a monthly date night eating dinner out and returning home with no real change in your intimacy or joy.
Here is the dance I see so often in couples.
One partner is saying, I'm worried that anything I do will be read as me wanting sex, when I would be happy to just cuddle, I don't care for sex that much anymore... I think it's my libido.
"And so what do you do", I ask?
"Nothing. I kind of avoid all intimacy, because there is too much pressure and expectation and I can FEEL how heavy it all is, the weight of their wanting" they say.
SO common. Expectations. Unspoken needs. A sense of pressure that isn't even applied verbally but so felt between a couple. And the belief that it is a libido issue. (When it is not btw)
The question is: What even is the sex that they are avoiding or assuming is being wanted and not moving towards?
Which got me thinking about how much better it would be if people could see sex like a train...
What if their was a sex train that they could get on and off at any point in the journey, rather than FEEL like they had to go all the way to the end. Perhaps they could find a carriage where they could enjoy the view, lounge back and be served or sample a few items on the buffet carriage or the whole damn lot! Or request a private room to get personal service and champagne just the type they wanted. Or stop and possibly even get back on at another time?
Rather than avoiding the sex train altogether.
For me as a Sex and Relationship Coach It is so easy to fix, even whilst every couple has a unique backstory, personal history, trauma, and experiences. Things can be turned around.
A few sessions of focused therapy where both partners can share their feelings, needs, desires and concerns with a professional is so valuable.
A space to get underneath the surface to underlying issues that may be causing misunderstandings and resistance to intimacy and sex.
An inspiring space to learn and grow and deepen.
Are you interested or know someone who needs my help ?
Relationships stale and often fail when intimacy, joy, connection and sex isn't made valued and experienced frequently.
Sex and relationship therapy with me truly works, as I have skills as a Coach, a Couples Counsellor, Holistic therapy, Educator, Somatic therapy and studying the dynamics of masculine and feminine with Tantra.
Making me a great choice for marriage counselling when other therapists struggle to talk about needs, communication, intimacy and sex at depth.
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